The World Tour of Oopsies: Chapter 9—The Secret of the Universe

Bocas del Toro archipelago by the Caribbean sea in Panama in Central America

Jul.31.2025

[The World Tour of Oopsies is an ongoing series of travel stories about my first decade of travel. During these adventures and misadventures, I had to unlearn many things I thought I knew about life. Welcome to my miseducation.]

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Catch up on the World Tour of Oopsies:

Part I / college

When I turned eighteen, I had two international trips under my belt: my adventures in Cambodia (see: Chapters 1 & 2) and India (see: Chapters 3–8). Those experiences helped earn me a scholarship to a tiny college called (drum roll, please) Global College.

Originally, the college was known as Friends’ World when it was launched in 1965. It was a hippie-esque Quaker school that sprang up in Washington, DC.

The goal was to educate young Americans in the realms of anthropology and ethnography without visiting Europe. The idea was for us to learn about culture beyond the scope of traditional Western academia.

During my four-year degree coursework, I studied in Costa Rica, Panama, Nicaragua, Taiwan, Thailand, Indonesia, Australia, India, and the United States. My graduating class consisted of around thirty students.

Rather than file into university classrooms, we took lectures and courses from local professors. Instead of midterms, we designed our own independent studies, then went out in the field to complete them. We had professors, local contacts, and the friends we made along the way to help us out.

The school’s slogan was ‘the world is our classroom’. We usually recited the line when things went wrong. And they did—often.

Welcome to my freshman year of college, which took place in Costa Rica and included field trips to Panama and Nicaragua. Welcome to the hard start of my miseducation.

During my first semester at Global College, I’d learn the secret of the universe from a really bad person.

Part II / Bocas del Toro

Bocas del Toro has become one of Panama’s most popular little beach towns over the last decade, but back when I visited, it was still sleepy and off the map.

It’s a small chain of islands that is reachable only by boat. I vividly remember one of our college guides (a Tica, or Costa Rican) reminding us not to knock into the coral when we swam because, “It takes hundreds of years to grow back.”

Our class was staying at a tiny hotel overlooking the water. We were learning about international development and other topics from the local Ngäbe tribe.

At night, we had free rein to wander around, make friends, and otherwise get to know Bocas del Toro. Me and a few classmates made friends with a Cuban driftwood sculptor. He liked life on the islands because, as he said, “You never hear the sounds of sirens.”

We hung out with him because he had party favors.

Part III / The secret of the universe

The driftwood sculptor wasn’t a good person. I was young, and I didn’t know how to recognize that yet. And it got me into trouble.

That isn’t necessarily confusing or surprising; young adults learn worldly lessons the hard way.

The real shock was when the driftwood sculptor took me and one of my classmates to a local bar during the trip. We were watching a football game on a small TV with a grainy pixelation. At some point, we started trading ideas about the nature of life and existence.

That’s when the sculptor shared the secret of the universe with us; I’m now imparting it to you.

I know—sounds a little casual, right? Shouldn’t I have prepped you to learn this knowledge? Shouldn’t you have grand plans about what to do with it?

After all, you would think learning such a devastatingly profound truth from such a shitty person would be the finale of my World Tour of Oopsies.

You would think the secret of the universe should be my grand thesis—the linchpin on which all previous entries in the World Tour of Oopsies hinge.

But life isn’t a narrative, travel isn’t a pony show, and knowing the secret of the universe won’t necessarily help you survive, thrive, or come out unscathed. (Or maybe it will—who am I to judge?)

Without further ado—

The secret of the universe is that life is a series of macrocosms and microcosms, woven together into infinity. Notice the patterns, and you will wield more power over your fate.