You spend many years raising your children. Early on they depend on you for everything. As the years pass, they become more independent. And then, gradually or all at once, your offspring become grown-ups too.
And everything changes. Your relationship has become one between two adults — and this can create challenges even for parent-child relationships that were rock-solid in earlier life stages.
As adults, your children develop independent relationships with partners and pursue goals that may be very different from your own. They build careers and financial lives their own way. They may move far away from you or remain close. They may depend on you less — or more. They probably view the world very differently from you.
And of course many have children of their own, creating a new multi-generational dynamic between parents and children — and a fresh set of joys and challenges.
So what should your role be once you and your kids are both grown-ups? What makes a good adult-parent to adult-child relationship?
The 10 following questions and answers can help you take a good look at how things are going — and how they might improve.
1. Do You Feel Welcome In Your Adult Child’s Home?
If you answered yes, great: That’s a sign your relationship is on the right track. But observe carefully. Do they seem genuinely comfortable when you visit, or do they seem a bit on edge, cleaning and preparing and stressing, treating you more like company than family? That may be a sign that they fear your judgment, or are afraid of exposing their “real” life to you.
Pro Tip: Not pleased with the way they keep house? Let it go. You don’t have to live there.
2. Do You Regularly Give Your Grown Children Unsolicited Advice?
If you answered yes, be careful. Knowing when to offer support and when to butt out is the biggest challenge of relationships with grown children.
It’s fine, if they ask for it, to offer your perspective on a challenge or situation your grown child faces. After all, you’ve seen and done a lot more than they have. But that doesn’t mean you should offer advice about how they should handle their affairs when they haven’t asked. Instead, ask them questions that will help them think things through.
If they really want your advice, they’ll ask for it. And keep in mind that even well-intentioned advice may sound like criticism to them.
Pro Tip: You grew up 25 or 35 years ago. The world has changed. What worked for you may not work for them — or anybody. Humility will take you a long way in your relationship with your children.
3. Do You And Your Spouse Or Partner Often Disagree About How To Deal With Your Grown Children?
If you answered yes, you could be headed for trouble. Relationships with adult children are hard enough. But if the parents are in fundamental disagreement about how to deal with an issue around an adult child — or, worse, are sending mixed signals to the child about their finances, job, relationships, or lifestyle — the conflict may escalate from a disagreement between spouses to one among the three of you. The child could feel they have to take a side — or may withdraw entirely.
Pro Tip: If you and your spouse can’t get on the same page about your relationships with your grown children, it’s best to work it out together, or with a therapist. Don’t make your issues theirs.
4. Are You Comfortable With The Amount Of Financial Support You Provide — Or Are Asked To Provide — Your Grown Children?
A yes answer wins the day. Everybody has different financial resources and different ideas about how to share them with their grown children. There’s no formula or rule of thumb here.
The problem comes when your child asks for, or demands, more support than you’re comfortable giving.
In the ideal world, your child is financially self-sufficient and any support you provide is affordable to you and brings your child extra benefits they truly value. Not all of us are that lucky. But if there’s a gap between your child’s expectations about financial support and yours, it may be time to set some ground rules so you both know what to expect.
Pro Tip: You have spent a lot of time and energy helping your kids become independent. Too much financial support now can recreate dependence.
5. Do You Have Conversations With Your Child’s Spouse Or Partner That You Ask Them Not To Share With Your Child?
If you answered yes, that’s a big, fat, red, flashing warning light. If you are secretly trying to influence your adult child through their partner or trying to get information that your child won’t share, you’re headed for certain trouble. You’re also putting extraordinary emotional pressure on your child’s partner. Cut it out — today.
Pro Tip: If this is you, take it as a sign that you need to deal more directly with your grown child. Otherwise, you risk poisoning your child’s relationship with their partner — and with you.
6. Can You Ask For Your Grown Child’s Help With A Task When You Need It?
If you said yes, that’s a wonderful thing.
When your kids were young, you did all the helping. But your adult child has skills, knowledge, and other things you don’t. If you have a healthy relationship, you can ask them for help with your computer, buying a product they know a lot about, or, if they live nearby, just hauling that old couch up the stairs.
If you have a good relationship, they’ll probably be happy to turn the tables and help you out. If not, you may want to ask yourself why.
Pro Tip: This can get out of hand if you start depending on them too much, or are emotionally needy of their attention. They have their own lives and tasks to deal with. You’ll know you’re asking too often if you start hearing excuses about why they can’t help.
7. If Your Grown Child Has Kids Of Their Own, Do You Often Give Unsolicited Advice About How To Raise Them?
Another case where a yes answer should raise the yellow caution flag. This is a very common sore spot in relationships between parents and their grown kids.
As long as your child’s parenting choices don’t lead to abuse or neglect, it’s more productive to gently make observations and ask questions rather than give directions — or, worse, hold up your own parenting practices as the ideal they should shoot for.
Pro Tip: How did you like it when your parents gave you unsolicited parenting advice? We thought so.
8. Do Your Children Often Say Things Like ‘We’re Busy’ Or ‘Maybe Another Time’ When You Ask Them To Get Together?
A yes answer here may suggest a problem. Any good relationship is reciprocal. If you’re on the asking end most of the time — and often hear what could be excuses — this may suggest you haven’t found what your grown kids consider the “just right” balance in your relationship.
Pro Tip: Try this test: Back off and don’t ask your child to get together for a while. Do they contact you? Do they say they’d like to see you soon? If they don’t, you may want to ask yourself if — and why — they need more space.
9. Are Your Children Open With You, Sharing Their Thoughts, Feelings, And Plans For The Future?
If yes, count yourself blessed — and a successful parent.
Maturing is partly the process of disengaging from one’s own parents and becoming independent adults. But many people find that once their children have reached that status, they can redefine the parent-child relationship as an adult one and become emotionally close again — maybe closer than they’ve ever been.
Pro Tip: If you answered no ask yourself this: Do you share your thoughts, feelings, and plans for the future appropriately with them? Expecting them to open up while you’re closed down may not be realistic.
10. Aside From Your Relationship With Your Grown Children, Are You Satisfied With Your Own Life?
Yes wins here — but this is, of course, no easy victory.
Achieving personal satisfaction can be a life-long challenge. If you have major unresolved issues or unhappiness with your own life, the chances of having a great relationship with your kids are reduced. And you increase the risk of loading your baggage on them.
Pro Tip: You’ve devoted many years to supporting your children’s happiness. It’s time to pay attention to your own. Being happy yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give your grown-up child.
Scoring
- If you answered “Yes” to 1, 4, 6, 9, or 10, give yourself 1 point for each.
- If you answered “No” to 2, 3, 5, 7, or 8, give yourself 1 point for each.
- If you couldn’t figure out whether to answer “Yes” or “No,” give yourself 0 points for that question.
Add up your points and see where you fall. (If your kids don’t have kids, don’t include Question 8 in your tally and subtract 1 from each category below.)
- 1 to 4 points: Your relationship with your grown child needs some work. See the tips above for suggestions on how to improve it. And don’t be reluctant to seek help from a licensed counselor, social worker, or psychologist who specializes in adult issues.
- 5 to 7 points: You’re doing okay, but you’ve got room to improve. Check out the tips following the questions that tripped you up.
- 8 to 10: Count yourself lucky — or skillful — and enjoy your strong relationship with your grown kids. It’s one of the most satisfying relationships there is.
Neil Bernstein is a retired psychologist who worked with children and families for over 40 years and is the author of four books. Former Washington Post editor Craig Stoltz is a contributor to TravelAwaits. Both are parents of adults — and grandparents of their kids’ kids.
